


i will not ask and neither should you

by avioletqueen



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-29 11:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5126612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avioletqueen/pseuds/avioletqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It was the day Adam Parrish looked up at him from the table, a glare of sunlight from the window streaking across his forehead like a halo, and Gansey’s heart skipped a beat."</p>
<p>Gansey and Adam fall, in their own ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i will not ask and neither should you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [archer_of_fate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/archer_of_fate/gifts).



> I hope you enjoy this gift fic! It has been quite the labor of love.  
> Title from my favorite Adansey song of all time, Hozier's [Like Real People Do.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrleydRwWms)

It was the next in a long line of hot, sticky Henrietta summer days. Despite the air conditioning’s frenzied humming, Nino’s was barely cooler than outside, but by now, barely cooler was good enough.

It was an unremarkable day, by all accounts. But for Richard Campbell Gansey III, it was the day that everything began.

Alright, perhaps that was a bit of an overembellished statement. After all, it wasn’t the biggest event of his life so far – the day he died topped that particular list. And it wasn’t a day that seemed to bring them anywhere closer to Glendower, either.

But it was a day that he had an epiphany, that the seed of something he had subconsciously acknowledged began to sprout, calling for him to take notice. It was the day Adam Parrish looked up at him from the table, a glare of sunlight from the window streaking across his forehead like a halo, and Gansey’s heart skipped a beat.

(Which was remarkable, really, because Gansey wasn’t a scientist, but he knew that the cardio-respiratory system generally didn’t fail for no reason whatsoever.)

Although their table was full as usual, with Ronan making a lewd joke and Noah laughing across from him, the world seemed to narrow to two things -- his own unfaithful heart and Adam’s sunlit countenance. And so it happened. For the first time ever, Gansey used his journal for something that didn’t pertain to ley lines or dead Welsh kings.

He flipped his well-worn notebook open to the back cover and jotted down four lines on the last page. The date, the time, a heartbeat, and a question mark. A gentle reminder that this was something he ought to ponder in the future, when he had time for himself.

As if he’d forget.

\---

Want was a funny thing. Because Adam Parrish was never sure of what he wanted.

That was a lie. He wanted plenty of things.

He wanted to get out of Henrietta. He wanted to be rich. He wanted to not have to worry. He wanted to not want. That was the dream, after all, when he got down to it. Unconditional contentment. It sounded like something straight out of Gansey’s mouth, something found more often in tall tales than in real life.

Adam wanted to be sure he’d get there. He wanted to be certain that all of his work wasn’t in vain, that his goals weren’t beyond the reach of someone like himself. But the more he thought about it, the more he was certain that all the money in the world couldn’t keep him from wanting more.

“--Parrish.”

Adam blinked and found himself sitting up against the headboard of the bed in Monmouth, Gansey looking up at him from where he was sprawled on the thick duvet. He pushed his glasses up a little on his nose and asked carefully, “Should I repeat the question?”

Annoyance surged in Adam’s throat before he could help it, but it died away when he saw the look in Gansey’s eyes – not pity, not concern, but a calm patience.

Adam thought for a moment, then shook his head. “No. It’s 1765.”

He liked the way Gansey grinned when he was right. He liked how it felt when Gansey pointed at him and called him a genius. Did that mean he wanted to be intelligent or that he wanted Gansey there to witness his intelligence?

Yes, he thought wryly, scanning their text for a question to ask the other boy. Want was definitely a funny thing.

\---

“You should fucking kiss him already.”

Gansey must have misheard him. It was the only rational explanation for the words he thought Ronan had just said. Still, he couldn’t help the way his head immediately jerked up in the other boy’s direction.

“Excuse me?” he asked, because if there was anything his mother had taught him, it was how to be polite even when every nerve in one’s body was on edge.

Ronan waved a hand lazily, not deigning to actually look at him.

“You’re mooning,” he explained with some degree of disgust. That was understandable, Gansey told himself -- Ronan certainly wasn’t the type to moon. Then again, Gansey hadn’t thought he was either until this moment. Now, looking back on how he’d traced that heartbeat in his journal until his pen almost poked through the page, he thought that Ronan might not be so off in his estimation.

“Not... romantically,” Gansey started, but Ronan cut him off with an incredibly sharp snort and an eyeroll that somehow involved his entire body.

“He’s all you talk about. You need to put a ring on it or a dick in it before it gets worse.”

Despite Ronan’s blunt honesty, Gansey wasn’t particularly comforted by his assessment of the situation. He was fairly sure that marriage wasn’t the solution here, and the idea of doing anything like that to Adam was… not without appeal but not the way he wanted to go about this. Luckily, Ronan seemed to light up without Gansey having to say anything, so he leaned forward in response, waiting for whatever third solution Ronan seemed about to provide.

“Hah. Dick in it. Get it?” he asked with pride, and Gansey wasted no time in whipping a pillow at him.

“Shut up, Lynch,” he replied as Ronan crowed, sinking back into his previous position with an air of displeasure. First, because Ronan had presented him with a complicated quandary that he had no idea how to approach, and second, because that pillow had been in a very comfortable place, and now he was going to have quite the unfortunate crick in his back.

\---

They had worked well together that day, studying together in Monmouth Manufacturing. Gansey had smiled and Adam had felt warm and they’d both done well on the history quiz the next morning.

So why it had all promptly gone to shit was beyond Adam’s understanding. He had thought that there were two Ganseys -- Gansey, the adventurer, and Richard Campbell Gansey III, a performance. This Gansey, who had just recently emerged, was a confusing mixture of the two.

The thing was, Adam didn’t notice at first. He wouldn’t have thought that anything was wrong if it wasn’t for the fact that Gansey had started interrupting himself. Richard, the heir, would never open his mouth if he hadn’t already planned the ending of his sentence. Gansey, his friend, would never stop himself from barreling through his thoughts, no matter how irrelevant or harmful they might be.

This new Gansey cut himself off with soft laughter before switching topics completely, as if he thought Adam wouldn’t be able to spot the difference. It made him angry. In truth, it made him feel a complicated mix of emotions, but anger was the most easily identifiable of the lot.

It was worse in Cabeswater. Here, the one place where they were meant to be together, Gansey seemed even more different than usual, eventually excusing himself to go wandering off on his own. Adam frowned as Gansey smiled and made his exit, but when he turned back to the others, all he saw was Ronan’s fierce eyes.

He looked steadily at Adam, and moved his gaze in Gansey’s direction, and looked back. Then he lifted his eyebrows significantly before beginning to pick a fight with Blue. It wasn’t much, but it was pretty clear what he expected Adam to do.

He weighed his options briefly. It didn’t strike him as a good idea to follow now, when Gansey had specifically requested time alone. Then again, maybe this would be the best time for Adam to find out what had been going on with him recently. The others didn’t seem like they would mind if he left, and he didn’t want to give up a chance to make things better between them. Blue argued loudly with Ronan, Noah cheerfully refereeing the fight, and Adam cast them a fond glance before traipsing off after Gansey.

It didn’t take long to find him. He was standing in a familiar clearing, and Adam almost called out to him before he realized what was happening. A brisk wind raised goosebumps on his bare arms, but he hardly noticed, caught up in the dazzling array of colors above him. The trees had turned from green to red, but it wasn’t just red. It was orange and brown and maybe a little pink, and it was Gansey laughing in a way he hadn’t for some time, and it was Adam selfishly wanting this moment to stretch on forever.

But then Gansey turned and saw him. Adam felt his breath freeze in his lungs until Gansey smiled, and it was like resurfacing after being held underwater. His ridiculous friend beckoned to him, and Adam tripped a little as he moved forward, reaching out to bat a falling leaf away from Gansey’s hair with a little exasperated chuckle.

“This place is wonderful,” Gansey said fervently, catching hold of Adam’s arms. “You’re wonderful.”

There was something like relief in his chest, at Gansey being himself again. But more than relief, he felt want. Want, heightened by the magic in the air around him. Want, amplified by the joy on Gansey’s face. Want, fulfilled by Adam leaning in to press his lips to Gansey’s.

There was no awkwardness, no hesitation, just them. Just Gansey and him and hands in the right places and the forest singing around them. They broke apart, and Adam almost leaned back in without wasting time to think.

But he couldn’t help opening his eyes. He couldn’t avoid seeing Gansey’s face, the pinkness in his cheeks, the careful way he opened his eyes when he realized Adam had pulled back. Adam swallowed, then stepped away, gently tugging his arms out of Gansey’s grip.

It had been still and perfect. Too perfect. This was Cabeswater, after all. Cabeswater, where fish turned red, leaves fell in the summer, and Gansey stood here, flushed, breathless, wanting him.  
He couldn’t do this. Not here and now. Not when it felt like it’d be taking advantage of a manufactured feeling, something that didn’t exist.

Adam tried to speak, but his throat felt dry, as if kissing Gansey had changed something. “I’m going to head back,” he managed, hiking a thumb over his shoulder before turning on his heel and quickly walking away, keeping Gansey on his left side as he went.

\---

“He walked away from me, Jane. I may be oblivious sometimes, but I’m not so blind that I’d see that as a sign of anything but disinterest.” Gansey leaned his head against the fridge dismally, allowing himself several moments to wallow in self-pity. Blue began swearing on the other end, which was an unexpected response, but welcome nonetheless. He was about to thank her for her empathy when she revealed that she’d accidentally overturned a nail polish bottle and he was saved from the embarrassment.

Not that he could really get more embarrassed than how he was currently feeling, having had his advances spurned so harshly.

“I’m honestly not so sure that Adam meant that with what he did,” Blue offered, and he could almost see her twirling the cord of her phone with one finger as she spoke. He was about to respond indignantly, but she shushed him before he could properly begin. “No, wait. Hear me out. You don’t know what Adam’s like in a relationship. I do.”

“Yes, Jane, that’s why I’m asking for your help specifically.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have, really, in the first place. It’s not nice to talk about people behind their backs.” Gansey waited for three short breaths, and Blue continued anyway. She was dependable like that. “Can I remind you of what happened the last time Adam tried to kiss someone he was interested in? Hint: we broke up.”

“But-!” Gansey protested, then immediately quieted his voice with a guilty glance at the door. “Honestly, no offense, but I’d like to think I responded much differently than you did in the situation. I’d even go as far as to say my reaction was the exact opposite of yours.”

“Right,” Blue said slowly, as if she was talking to a child. “It was exactly the sort of reaction Adam would’ve wanted from me, I’m guessing. And you were in Cabeswater when you kissed. And it’s not like Adam has an entirely normal relationship with Cabeswater.”

Slowly, the separate facts began to piece together in his head. “Does… does he think I love Cabeswater? Or that Cabeswater made me want him? That’s absurd. He should’ve said something to me about it so that I could explain.”

The line went silent for a few moments, and Gansey waited patiently for a response, pulling his legs up to hug his knees to his chest. “You should remember, Gansey,” Blue said finally, “that Adam can get nervous too. I think it might help for you to talk to him first.”

“… oh.” It wasn’t that Gansey had thought Adam was impervious to anxiety. He’d just never conflated proud, independent Adam with nervousness. Almost immediately, he knew what had to be done, and was halfway through a plan to make it happen. “Thank you, Blue.”

“You’re welcome. And Gansey? Don’t screw this up, or else I’ll hurt you.”

“I’m fairly certain you won’t, but the threat is duly-noted.”

\---

At least this was familiar.

Sure, they hadn’t been actively fighting before what happened in Cabeswater. But now that there was tension in the air between them, Adam couldn’t help feeling a sense of satisfaction. This is how they were, after all, Gansey’s smoothness always catching on Adam’s sharp edges. They weren’t meant to work out. They were from different worlds. And that kiss…

Adam had to stop thinking about that kiss. That was all there was to it.

It was easier said than done. During the day, he could distract himself from dwelling on the memory, but at night, he couldn’t stop his brain from reliving the feeling, not just of Gansey’s lips on his, but of Gansey’s hands clutching his shirt, of Gansey’s body pressed against his. Still, he thought to himself, if he just avoided Gansey for a few days, he wouldn’t be compelled to think about him like that. 

Avoiding Gansey also happened to be easier said than done, but that was just because Adam made poor choices. Like right now, he admonished himself as he rolled down the window in the passenger seat of the Pig. He could’ve said no when Gansey asked him out on a drive, but here he was, separated from his friend by a foot and a half of unsaid words, hanging thick in the air between them.

The drive was quiet. Unbearably so. Enough that Gansey pulled up to a convenience store and loudly announced that he was parched, that he was going to go get a soda, and did Adam want one? Adam declined the offer, and Gansey said he’d buy him one anyway before fleeing the car, giving Adam a fake smile.

Adam watched Gansey head up to the shop and reminded himself that he was in the wrong here, not Gansey. It was near manipulative to want him, when Adam knew that Gansey would give him anything without considering his own wants and needs. No, Gansey needed to choose someone for himself, someone who deserved to keep up with him.

He nearly jumped out of skin as he felt a chilly exhale against his neck. “Noah, you’ve got to stop that.” 

“That counted as warning,” the boy protested, slipping quickly into the driver’s seat. “And that’s not important right now.”

Adam sighed as he realized why Noah had shown up. “I don’t want to talk about this right now,” he said definitively, leaning his head against the back of his seat. “I don’t ever want to talk about this, actually.”

“It’s not just going to blow over, if that’s what you’re hoping,” Noah said, as if he had to guess at what Adam was thinking. “Gansey doesn’t let things go. You know that.”

“He’ll figure it out eventually, though. He doesn’t even want me like that in the first place.” It wasn’t meant to be self-deprecating – Adam just knew where he stood in terms of Gansey’s affection for others. At least, he thought he did. Judging by the expression on Noah’s face, the other boy wasn’t convinced. “What?”

“Why do you assume that?” Noah asked simply, as if Adam had said something absurd.

“Gansey could have anyone if he wanted a relationship,” he spluttered, waving his hands in the air as he tried to explain. “It wouldn’t be practical.”

“You’re the one who’s been spending all that time thinking about what want means. Do all of your wants make sense?” And with a small smile, Noah flickered out, leaving Adam with a slightly shell-shocked look on his face as Gansey opened the door.

“I got you a coke, Parrish, I’m sorry it took so long – hey now, what’s wrong?” Belatedly, Adam realized he must have been staring up at the boy and turned away, shaking his head.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he said forcefully, pulling himself away from the myriad of thoughts that Noah’s simple question had inspired. “Thanks for the soda.”

\---

They were approaching St. Agnes, and Gansey still hadn’t said anything. The worst part of this tension was the way that it hung in the air between them, a rude intrusion that wouldn’t allow itself to be ignored even for a few seconds. Gansey tried to smile as usual at Adam as they slowed to a stop, but the other boy’s face reflected none of the forced cheeriness in Gansey’s own expression, so he stopped.

“Look, Parrish. I have… something to say.”

Adam became incredibly still, and Gansey hated the wariness he saw in his eyes, hated even more that he couldn’t put a name to the other emotions he found there. “Yes? You can say it.”

Gansey opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Can we do this in your room? If you don’t mind?” There was a proper way to go about these things, he knew, and he just felt like the Pig didn’t present a good atmosphere for such confessions.

There was something unplaceable in the way that Adam nodded and got out of the car; it took Gansey a moment to follow him, hands clasped tightly behind his back. His shoulders held far too much tension, and he took a moment to try to roll the stiffness out of them as Adam opened the door and waved him in. The boy immediately sat down on his bed, facing Gansey, and Gansey almost followed suit before realizing that it might be better to stay standing. After all, if the conversation went south, it would be easier to make his exit that way.

“I just wanted to say… I mean, I won’t presume to fully understand how you feel about what happened, but I’d like you to know that... I wanted that. I mean, I wanted that with you. I want to do it again.” Gansey watched Adam carefully, took note of how his eyebrows raised and his eyes widened, and immediately took a step closer to the door. “But I don’t want to do anything you’re not interested in,” he continued, a little distractedly as his fingers grasped blindly for the doorknob. Finally, tearing his eyes away from Adam’s uncertain gaze, he managed to actually open the door, heart beating at double speed. “Right. Well. That’s all. And… I’ll just leave you alone now-”

“Wait.”

His heart was going to beat right out of his chest, no matter how much of a medical impossibility that was. Gansey turned before he could leave the apartment, grip tightening on the door until his knuckles were white. Adam had gotten up from his bed, had taken a step towards him. That had to be a sign. He searched for something to say, but for once, none of his words seemed to fit the situation.

“You’ve always wanted me,” Adam said softly, almost too soft for Gansey to hear from across the small room. “What’s different now?”

“Oh god, Adam,” Gansey said, his voice shaking just slightly as he tried for a smile. “I used to want you to be my friend. Now it feels like I’ll never stop wanting you to be closer.”

“Then come and take me. I’m right here,” Adam replied, his own nerves revealing themselves in the slight tremor of his fingers.

Gansey shook his head instinctively, though every part of his body wanted to betray him and pull Adam in. “I don’t want to take you. I want to be with you.” But that wasn’t quite true either. He hesitated, but by now, he’d already said enough that it couldn’t possibly hurt to lay out one more truth on the table. “I want you to take me.”

That was how they worked best, after all – when Gansey pushed Adam into taking the lead. As much as he didn’t dare to hope in this moment, he thought he might have said the right thing, for once. Adam was walking towards him, and Gansey’s thumb was idly brushing against his bottom lip, and Adam caught his hand with a soft smile before leaning in.

Gansey already knew what it felt like to kiss Adam Parrish, so he theoretically shouldn’t have been as shocked as he was the first time. Theory didn’t seem to factor in much here, however, and he felt his fingers trembling slightly as he allowed himself to cling. It was different, in Adam’s small apartment - quiet and real and a little bit messy. He broke the kiss to gasp for air, pressing his forehead hard against Adam’s, his fingers still knotted in the taller boy’s shirt, and Adam let out a soft laugh, and Gansey knew that each kiss would never stop feeling like this.

“Did that work?” Adam asked, far more shyly than he had any right to be after a kiss like that.

Gansey thought for a moment, breathing hard, needing something to say that wouldn’t ruin the moment. Finally, he decided on, “It was exactly what I wanted.”

Judging by the way Adam dragged him back in for an excited kiss, he liked what he’d heard. Gansey let himself be steered towards the bed, pulling Adam down on top of him as he kicked his shoes off. Although he never wanted Adam to stop, he couldn’t help being arrested by the way the light from the window illuminated his face, reminding him suddenly of that day in Nino’s that felt so long ago.

“You’re alarmingly resplendent, Parrish, I hope you’re aware,” Gansey blurted out without thinking, a hand lifting to Adam’s cheek. Adam blinked at him, then burst out laughing, sitting back on his heels. Gansey couldn’t help a hesitant smile himself, propping himself up on his elbows eagerly as Adam leaned back in.

“This is my life,” he pretended to complain, his hands running through Gansey’s hair in an incredibly pleasing manner. “Doomed to have a thesaurus for a boyfriend.”

Gansey would’ve been ready with a quick-witted retort, but Adam was currently biting down on his neck in a way that made him think he’d do best to just ask for more.


End file.
